The Decision, the New Direction is Now Set.

I have had a good home time this time around.  Although it started out overwhelming as I was determined to sort through the dolly stuff, (and it's not completely done yet) I ended up feeling so much better, getting an idea about what there was, what I could let go of and so on.  My ebay auctions went better than expected and I now officially have the funds for Seola.  I really didn't think it would be this soon.

As I have already mentioned all of this on my doll group, I want to get it recorded here on my blog too.  This is a huge deal to me, much like making a major decision that can have rippling effects.  The decision to go after my dream child and one and only concept was just the right choice for me and the right time to do it.

I am glad that I waited until now.  I think when I first got Evie (I think in 2006 or 08?) I was at the point of just wanting a one and only and it felt so good for awhile.  I was just getting back into dolls since childhood and I know now that I needed to experience more dolls, more types....the materials they were made of, the sizes, the shapes and the abilities of movement.  I went through quite a few, each bringing me a delight, but I would soon be onto the next bit of eye candy.  I am not good at leaving dolls unattended.  I feel guilt.  I kept thinking that I would soon settle down with a few dolls, but the next one that caught my eye had to be experienced.  What a crazy world I was living in.  Just not really what I want.

The experience was good for me, though.  I learned to sew in the different sizes, to make patterns to body shapes, to grasping how the different sizes can really make a difference in all kinds of ways.  But there was a sad side to it too.  As I brought in more dolls, the distance between Evie and I grew.  There is such an excitement about the newcomer, so much to think of and plan...that I can clearly see now how that can put a dent into our relationship.  The biggest mistake I have made for myself is to think that if I loved one doll, more would be somehow better, when in fact for me, more means discomfort and a sense of overwhelming personalities.  This all goes back into my own childhood, as an only child who played alone (I was never good with others) and how intensive my imaginary world was.  I always had one doll to play with, the rest were characters....like trolls and bears.  I guess that even as an adult, my imagination settles best on a smaller number of personalities.  I recognize that and need to flow with it.

The decision to adopt out my dolls (starting with the ones I played the least with) helped me get to that final decision, to let nearly all of them go.  It helped me move into thinking about that "fresh start", that sense of doing it right this time.  I have come to this final conclusion:

I love sewing antique period type clothing, so keeping my chinahead and Miette will satisfy that need and delight.  They suit that world, I am not forcing a modern doll to take on the persona of my old fashioned dreams.

I love having a single companion doll that can go anywhere with me at any time.  I love the idea of companionship and shared living experiences.  A companion to photograph, to sew and knit for, to find thrift shop things for.  I love a companion that can be flexible in their body, creating a lovely world that she can be a part of, not just propped up against the wall.
 
That companion will be chosen soon.  It will either be Evie, Audrey or the new one, Seola.  After this decision, I will let the others go and move in the direction I know is right for me and my own personality.  I feel a sense of peace just thinking about it.  I will also sell off all the dolly clothing, accessories, furniture and whatnots that that final companion cannot or need not use for themselves, thus reducing my own inventory, allowing for growth in a new direction.  A simplicity that I am seeking.

Here is Evie in the new human hair wig, which I could not quite get the style of just yet.  I may need to wash and style it before it falls into place:

I then tried on the wig I am thinking may suit Seola (but I have two lambs wool I want to try on her too):

But I think I finally agree with Evie, this shorty wig seems to give her a youthful and less adult look:

We have a delay on leaving today.  Usually we are sent to the meat patch in Kansas for a 1-3 day wait while they process the meat, but we got a call that we may be sent to Denver to take a load from another driver this evening and head to California.  I hope so, I would rather sit in the doll room just a bit longer.  lol.

As of this moment, I still have not decided on whom to bring.  My mind is so geared towards Seola now, that I just don't know.  Perhaps Olivia the Pig needs a new adventure.

Decision Made To Move Forward with my Ideas

It ain't over yet.

Sigh.  I am in the midst of major doll stuff sorting.  Geez, there is so much I feel overwhelmed again.  Tons of clothes for Audrey and Hammie...Evie could fill an adult suitcase with all her clothes, shoes and stuff.  And, it is actually shocking the heck out of me, but I have 5...count them, 5 gallon size ziplock bags stuffed with clothes for an MSD. I still have Nanny's clothes too.  Sigh.  I wouldn't mind the volume of it if it were fro one or two dolls, what I hate is the different sizes.  I had to do a lot of grouping and sorting and it just seemed ridiculous!

This has reconfirmed my desire to reduce it all down.  I have made my decision, whenever I have enough money for Seola, I am adopting her.  I have about 80% of her fees.  If  Seola and I bond, the rest will move on.  If not, I will choose either Audrey and Hammie or Evie and be done with it.  I no longer want all these scales and sizes.  One size, one companion.  That's it.  So now it is just a matter of deciding the final companion.  I will give it as much time as it needs, it will have to be the one I feel the strongest about.

Evie is keeping me company, but she isn't talking much.  Guess she feels my stress.

Oh...and yes, I did play around with Hammie as I sorted through wigs.  He's looking sweet in blonde hair and turquoise eyes!

I am more than old.

Evan has found a new home.  The buyer sent a message saying she love him.  Oh, such a relief. 

Evie and I played today.  Just a quiet kind of play, as I had a bad headache.  Weird about the headache, because I cut my hair off yesterday, and it felt so odd that I think my shoulders scrunched and tightened, causing the headache.

I swore I would never cut my hair again, but it was getting too long to be manageable on the truck, So it is now shoulder length.  I can still wear it up in a french twist.  Grows like a weed, so I am not worried about it.  But wow, it seemed to put me off balance.

Back to Evie.  We tried on wigs, and I dyed the lambs wool one a chocolate brown.  I liked it, (I love these kind of wild looking wigs) but they don't suit Evie, pretty, yes, but not her.

I like soft romantic looks, but she doesn't.  So we tried another one.

Evie has worn this one before, but with these lavender eyes, I really liked it!  I like her in all kinds of colours and styles, but she doesn't.  Here we go again, I thought....difficult Evie.  I got sarcastic and put Evan's old red wig on her.  Geez...THATS the one she wants to wear!

I called her Mia Farrow but she has no idea who I am talking about.

How about Twiggy?  She looked at me blankly.

I suddenly felt ancient.  Sigh.

The Changes are Happening and it is GOOD.

Ah, hometime.

Pretty strange.  We went up to my parents for our mail.  The ice cream set I bought was perfect scale for my Audrey and Hammie. 

The bed set, however was not.  Sigh.  I don't have a ruler handy, but they were not made for 10 inch dolls.

 I didn't even bother unpacking the triple bunks beds.

The matching rocker and bench were fine, but I don't want to break up the set.  I would say this set is better for 9 inches and under.  Anyone interested, let me know.

It's a cute set, definitely homemade and a bit crude...I would have repainted it myself.  The canopy bed would have been so cute with curtains!  I am very sad about this.

In a way, it helped me decide on my dolly situation.  Before I unpacked the box, I did go and sit with my dolls, holding each one, looking them in the eyes, even Evan and Aloe Vera, in case I wanted to pull their auction down.

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that the time had finally arrived, that sure feeling in my heart.  The last few that I hesitated over were Evie, Audrey and Hammie.  Zoelina and Pandora are adorable, but having 4 of them, makes them stick together in a group all the time and pulls away from a companionship thing.  I had considered taking only two at a time, or keep the three girls and let Hammie go...but none of those options pleased me at all.

One thing I have to say is that of every single one of my companions (including Evie)  the strongest pull I have is to Audrey.  My gosh, that little girl practically jumped into my lap with glee when our eyes met.  She just isn't like the rest at all.  I tried comparing her to the other BB's, and nope, they just don't have what she has, nor do they even move like she does!  I don't understand that part at all.  They are all the same....but not at all! 

As I held her, she instantly started to play and giggle and make me smile.  It was at this point we needed to leave for my parents, so I grabbed her travel basket and off we went.  Yes, so easy, so quick and so comforting.

I have had a serious interested buyer for Evan.  I have a lot of watchers, but no other bids.  I expected that, I wanted to get them all on so that about 4 days before the next time I can relist while still on the road, and continue to do so until they have all found homes.

My plan is to finish sorting dolly things, really fine tune it down.  I want to spend some time with Evie and if the feeling grows, I will take Evie and Audrey with me on the next run.  If not, I will take Audrey and Hammie.

I am still considering Seola.  I saw this photo of Seola and thought how much it looked like Evie when she was young.  This is a borrowed photo from DOA, so I will leave it up only for today, and then remove it, as I don;t have permission.  If you would like to see her, email me and I will send a copy.  It was this particular photo that has me spellbound in love with her.

Evie has this very same wig.  To my eyes, it is like seeing Evie as a child.  My curiosity continues to grow, but I know full well that what I see and what arrives could be so different.  The way I am feeling about Audrey right now, I am also hesitant to ruin that (like it happened with Evie when I brought in Evan) by bringing in a companion that could not be in any kind of scale with her, as they would be 10 and 16 inches and both the same age! 

Today is a mellow day, full of reflection and feeling like I am so very close to what I am seeking.  Hammie right now is my only other hesitation.  Do I let Evie and Audrey be my companions?  Would it be better to have just the two little ones?  Do I dare bring it all the way down to just Audrey? (As my original intention with her was suppose to be).

Or do I bring home Seola and see if she could just possibly be the answer to keeping Evie in a smaller version, as I dream of?

Almost there.......

Pretty Eggs

Happy Easter!

Drifting in a Sea of Thoughts

I can't believe the sense of relief I am feeling after making the decision to sell.  It's still an unnerving road to take, but I am not feeling any sense of taking a wrong turn.  It feels like I am heading in the right direction, even if I am not sure of the end result.

My thoughts turn to who is left.  I think about what they mean to me, how things have changed. Evie and Audrey come to mind all the time.  One is a child, one is an adult.  One is so large, one is so small.  Sometimes, I close my eyes and wonder what it would be like to combine them.  To me, who and what they are individually would make the perfect combined companion for me. Yet, it seems together (individually) they don't blend.  They are too different.  Weird, I know.  Hard to explain.

I love Audrey's childishness.  I love how she curls up, looks fresh and full of wonder, how she has the cute factor I cannot resist (without ever being cloying).  She is the fun one to play with, brings out a nurturing in me, brings me the simple joy of seeing the world through her eyes, allowing me to be a child again too.  But Audrey is too young to talk to, makes me feel sometimes like a mother or caregiver.  I cannot communicate with her in the way I can with Evie.

I love Evie.  I love that she came into my life and brought back my inner creativity, my secret world that I share with so few.  Through and with Evie, I stopped being a robot and started being me again.  It's strange though, that she came when she did.  I was certainly at a point in my life that my accounting career had nearly fried every creative cell I had left in my body.  I was dying a slow death by numbers.   Naturally I was overflowing with idea's when I finally had a comrade to explore them with, so it was strange that she rejected most of them.  It was almost like she was defiant and resistant.  I wanted to play castles and dragons, she wanted to sit quietly and read books.  I want to create over the top costumes and ball gowns, she wanted to wear jeans.  She hated the OTHERS I brought into our world.  She turned her nose up at them and made me feel guilty.  When I brought home a "brother" for her, she latched onto him and stopped communicating with me.  Still.....I loved her.  Every petulant bone in her body.  But Evie has withdrawn somewhat and we can't quite connect as we use to.

So my thoughts linger over them and how I can have what I love about them with me at all times.  Yet, at the same time, I don't want several personalities around me.  I want just one companion FULL of personality.   I want Evie and Audrey with a sprinkle of all the rest of my dolls all rolled into one.  One companion.  I am sure of that.

Every day, I look at dolls.  All across the internet, in books.  I have collected hundreds if not thousands of doll photo's.  I search, I dream, I wonder.  Over the last year or two, my ability to fall in love with other dolls has dwindled.  I enjoy them, but don't feel the familiar pull.  I have gone through a lot of trial and error with the ones I have selected to come home.  Sort of like I got the idea I had at the time drain out of my system too quickly.  I just couldn't pick up a pretty doll and put her on the shelf and be content.  My thought was always to find a companion.  I dare say I secretly wished that one companion would out shine them all and there would be no question as to whom it was.  For a long time I thought it was Evie.  Then Audrey came along.  So very different from each other.  How perplexing!

At this moment and it is a wavering, shimmering intangible moment, I think the direction will be to do one of three things.  Chose Evie or Audrey or let go and bring the dream child in.

Dollstown Seola 7 is right inbetween Evie and Audrey in just about every way.  She is older than Audrey, younger than Evie.  She has the petulance of Evie, the childishness of Audrey.  She is MSD size, but unlike most MSD's, she is not representing an adult or teen.  So she is like having a child in a larger, but smaller scale.  She is supposed to be 7 years old.  Her 8/9 wig size is the same as Evie, while most MSD's heads are 7/8.  She has 16/18 mm eyes, same as Evie.  It would be like having a reduced size Evie and an increased size Audrey.

More thoughts over the next few days....

The Time Has Come to Say Goodbye

I have agonized over this decision for a year and that is enough.

I have decided that I need to connect how my lifestyle is now (and will be for years to come)  with what my needs are.  I need a constant companion(s) and that companion will be by my side wherever I am.  Until I find the one, or the combination that sings to my heart, the cuts will continue.  And it hurts, but I need the relief.  No more sad departures and

The first decision was Lizzy.  She is such an adorable dizzy lady, I have enjoyed her drinking antics and her bug eyed charm.  Her auction is here.

Next was Evan.  The bittersweet story that just couldn't make it.  While he has been a wonderful boy in his own right, he just could not blossom under Evie's shadow.  I am not blaming him, but blaming myself for having brought him into a situation that practically severed the relationship between me and Evie.  Once he entered the door as her brother, she and I lost our connection.  My hope is that disconnecting her from him will bring her back to me.  His auction is here.

Then it came to be Aloe Vera's turn.  Such a fabulous leprechaun she has been and certainly was the symbol of our move to Ireland, which has now changed.  She is hard for me to handle, a body that is much too small.  While her height is good at 10 inches, she seems to stay in the sidelines and that means to me it is time to let go.  She has so much stuff too....sigh.  Her auction is here.

Wow.  I did it.  I feel a strange sense of relief.  It may take months to sell, but once the decision is made, it helps move everything else in the right direction.

My thought at this time is that if they sell, I will have enough funds to at least consider Dollstown Seola.  Seola will not be adopted if Evie comes back to me.  I am at the point that I am willing to deal with Evie's largeness on the truck, if it ends up being just her and the children.  This is where my heart is, I want my Evie back.  I keep feeling small sparks, but I am not sure if I am just wishing so hard or she is coming back on her own.  I just can't force it. 

I think I done with "making do" when I have a dream.  I have dreamt of a one and only for so long, I aim to find her, no matter what or who she is.  This isn't about finding new dolls anymore, it is about finding her.  If Seola turns out not to be the dream I wish for, then I will at least have her out of my system for good.  Nothing ventured, nothing gained.  Her pull is strong.  I must find a way to find out if what I think is true...well, is.  I believe only Evie can break that spell.  I wonder if Evie is interested any more? 

Whomever it ends up being, they will be will me always.  Of that, I am so very sure.