Monday, October 26, 2009


I have been so sad and indecisive the last week or so.  Indecision has a way of putting everything on hold.  I noticed that when I get like this, I stop playing and enjoying my companions.  Then I see them and their sad faces and feel the most awful guilt and I feel even worse.

One day I saw Audrey looking so forlorn, so I picked her up.  I kept her by me all day, alternating with holding her and sitting her next to my computer so that I could touch her.  She did soothe me.  She always does.  I love this child.

The next day I did the same with Hammie.  I kept thinking that there was something not quite right about Hammie, something that keeps him a boy to look at, instead of a boy that is mine.  I finally figured out what was wrong, it was his eyes.  I tried the side glance to take away the bug eyed stare.

Since his eye sockets are so large, the eyes needed to be almost cross-eyed to appear as though he is looking into your eyes, rather than always appearing wall-eyed, or glancing off into the distance.  Once I changed the position and he actually looked at me, I was suddenly overwhelmed with love for him.


I am glad to have had this connection with him, I spent the whole day holding him and looking into his eyes.  Yet, as it always happens, I find myself searching through hundreds of doll pictures, imagining, wondering, seeking, wishing, dreaming and down right lusting after a new companion.

Why?  My little urchins surrounded me with love and I seek more!  To compound matters, the very doll I had wanted Dollzone Fei (female version) came up on ebay and for a good price.  I spent an entire day trying to come up with an idea to present to my husband of why and how I needed this doll.  I thought bout who I could sell to come up with at least part of the money and then I thought there might be a chance to justify it being both a birthday and a christmas present.  I schemed, and plotted and could not come up with the guts to ask him if I could "borrow" the money from savings.  Why?

I contacted the seller and told her I was interested but couldn't do anything until I was home in November.  I asked if she had not sold the doll in this auction, if maybe she would consider me as a buyer.  She wrote back right away and said yes.  That gave be hope of an extension, but then the same issue is at hand.  I would have to come up with the money and I dare not.  We fell short of the miles for last month and are a bit behind in the monthly savings goal.  Husband bought a very expensive new GPS last month and so we "dipped" into the savings for that.  I also just received Hammie, so I can see him saying no to this whole deal.  In fact, I am sure of it.  I hate to ask and be told no.

And then I wonder about the sanity of it.  MSD size has always been an "off" size for me.  I have long wanted to stop the size differences and just a few weeks ago decided that I would someday hope to get Dollzone Zhuwei or if I am really lucky, another boy too.  If I had 4 nisser, I could some day build the little hobbity type house for them, with cabinet beds all painted in rosemalling.  My vision is the children, Aloe Vera (living in a bird nest or cage) and Evie and Noah reigning as King and Queen of the land.  I thought of Dollzone Fei as being the princess that comes to visit the nisser and the fairy.  If my realm was complete, I would add one more fairy....a blue fairy.

Then I think, I don't need four children, two will do.  I don't need more fairies and princesses are nice to have but not necessary.  I can still have my ideas work out with who I already have.  And thus the sad and depressing cycle starts over again.

Last night I searched through DOA looking for some pretty pictures to soothe my ruffled feathers and found that Limwha was taking my breath away.  I wanted the half elf so bad.  Again, my mind churned with....who can I sell and how long would it take to make the money if I carved more dolls, made more porcelain ones......on and on the churning went until I felt like a fool.  Over $500 for a doll.  What the hell am I thinking?  I can;t afford new clothes let alone even consider a doll like that.  And then what?  Drag such a fine young lady on a truck....when obviously Evie and Noah were so cumbersome in their size?

See what I mean?  I swing like a pendulum and this has been going on for an entire year!  Poor DZ Fei's auction ends today.  Oh how I wish a miracle would happen and I would know what the right thing to do is. 

No comments:

Post a Comment