One day I saw Audrey looking so forlorn, so I picked her up. I kept her by me all day, alternating with holding her and sitting her next to my computer so that I could touch her. She did soothe me. She always does. I love this child.
The next day I did the same with Hammie. I kept thinking that there was something not quite right about Hammie, something that keeps him a boy to look at, instead of a boy that is mine. I finally figured out what was wrong, it was his eyes. I tried the side glance to take away the bug eyed stare.
Since his eye sockets are so large, the eyes needed to be almost cross-eyed to appear as though he is looking into your eyes, rather than always appearing wall-eyed, or glancing off into the distance. Once I changed the position and he actually looked at me, I was suddenly overwhelmed with love for him.
I am glad to have had this connection with him, I spent the whole day holding him and looking into his eyes. Yet, as it always happens, I find myself searching through hundreds of doll pictures, imagining, wondering, seeking, wishing, dreaming and down right lusting after a new companion.
Why? My little urchins surrounded me with love and I seek more! To compound matters, the very doll I had wanted Dollzone Fei (female version) came up on ebay and for a good price. I spent an entire day trying to come up with an idea to present to my husband of why and how I needed this doll. I thought bout who I could sell to come up with at least part of the money and then I thought there might be a chance to justify it being both a birthday and a christmas present. I schemed, and plotted and could not come up with the guts to ask him if I could "borrow" the money from savings. Why?
I contacted the seller and told her I was interested but couldn't do anything until I was home in November. I asked if she had not sold the doll in this auction, if maybe she would consider me as a buyer. She wrote back right away and said yes. That gave be hope of an extension, but then the same issue is at hand. I would have to come up with the money and I dare not. We fell short of the miles for last month and are a bit behind in the monthly savings goal. Husband bought a very expensive new GPS last month and so we "dipped" into the savings for that. I also just received Hammie, so I can see him saying no to this whole deal. In fact, I am sure of it. I hate to ask and be told no.
And then I wonder about the sanity of it. MSD size has always been an "off" size for me. I have long wanted to stop the size differences and just a few weeks ago decided that I would someday hope to get Dollzone Zhuwei or if I am really lucky, another boy too. If I had 4 nisser, I could some day build the little hobbity type house for them, with cabinet beds all painted in rosemalling. My vision is the children, Aloe Vera (living in a bird nest or cage) and Evie and Noah reigning as King and Queen of the land. I thought of Dollzone Fei as being the princess that comes to visit the nisser and the fairy. If my realm was complete, I would add one more fairy....a blue fairy.
Then I think, I don't need four children, two will do. I don't need more fairies and princesses are nice to have but not necessary. I can still have my ideas work out with who I already have. And thus the sad and depressing cycle starts over again.
Last night I searched through DOA looking for some pretty pictures to soothe my ruffled feathers and found that Limwha was taking my breath away. I wanted the half elf so bad. Again, my mind churned with....who can I sell and how long would it take to make the money if I carved more dolls, made more porcelain ones......on and on the churning went until I felt like a fool. Over $500 for a doll. What the hell am I thinking? I can;t afford new clothes let alone even consider a doll like that. And then what? Drag such a fine young lady on a truck....when obviously Evie and Noah were so cumbersome in their size?
See what I mean? I swing like a pendulum and this has been going on for an entire year! Poor DZ Fei's auction ends today. Oh how I wish a miracle would happen and I would know what the right thing to do is.
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