Tuesday, March 16, 2010


I am still feeling so overwhelmed.  It is pervasive and I can't shake it loose.  I miss my dolls, I hate being away from them and the angry resentful part of me wants to let them all go and try and be given a better life than sitting alone and dormant hoping their turn will soon come.  I know it makes no sense, but it bothers me and has been a thorn in my side for an entire year now.  To see them every 5 weeks hurts.  It hurts to see them look so abandoned, it hurts to leave them.  I spend the weeks on the road thinking about them.  Reducing the numbers is not the answer.   There would still be someone left behind.

I am not sure what the answer is.  I am so ready to let go and have a one and only, but each time I think of each companion, my heart melts and I think how I could not stand it of they were gone.  I wrote their names down on a piece of paper and tried to eliminate them one by one, hoping to find the prima donna left over.

SD -Evie, Evan

MSD -Olwen

Yo-SD -Audrey, Hammie, Zoelina, Pandora (the children)

Leprechaun -Aloe Vera

Antiques -Miette, Charlotte (and her baby Kameko), Lizzy (and her baby Henry)

Fashion Size -Frank & Lucy

Pig -Olivia
Reborn -Emily

No one got crossed off. Life would be so much easier with one or two small dolls!  Even easier with just ONE!  The children?  Would it be best to keep them?  Easy to carry and play with?  But now I adore Miette.  She is just as small, yet she doesn't fit in with them at all.  No, no, no.  Evie....my dearest Evie, what would have happened if I had kept it just you?  That was my intention then.  Why did I let my dolly appetite get out of hand?  Now I am no longer in the home that could hold them all. 

What is easier, what is better just doesn't fit in with the heart.  I can't let anyone go yet.  And this is the same wall I keep on hitting.   I want to, I don't want to.  I am happy to have them, I am overwhelmed that I have them.

So....no decision yet, no answer forming.  The thoughts:

Keep Evie.  But she couldn't travel well, she's too big for the truck to play with beyond holding.

Keep the children.  They are the easiest, but is four two many?  Gads, the clothes, the toys, the stuff....fill a suitcase!  Yes, four on the truck was a bit much.

Keep Audrey.  I feel that same about her as I do Evie.  A very very strong love and pull to her.  She too was once considered a potential one and only. 

Keep Evie and Audrey.  Makes sense, but they are worlds apart, and adult and a child.

Keep Evie, Olwen and Audrey.  Three sisters.  But they look nothing alike, and I am right back to three different sizes, and all three would be too much for the truck.

Ah.....I give up trying to come up with combinations.  Something will come to light sooner or later.  I don't want to force it.

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