Wednesday, March 31, 2010

12 Questions

I have been seriously disturbed for a long time.  lol.  Really, I have been so unsettled in my companionship with my dolls for well over a year with our lives changing so dramatically.  I thought getting the apartment would really help, as I could have a place for my dolls to be when I could not have them with me.  But it only seemed to be far more upsetting that I could have imagined.  Perhaps because it made them closer to me without really closing the gap.  When they were at my parents, it was situation I could not change.  Now they are in my own space again....but not really.

So I formulated 12 questions to try and sort through all the muddled thoughts I have rattling around in my head.

  • What do I really want of my dolly world, what is the most important aspect of it and why?

      1. What I really want is peace of mind. I feel so many mixed feelings when separated from my dolls and having to wait 5 weeks at a time just to see them for a couple of days.  I want simplicity and peace, I want ease of play, complete access, a relationship with a companion doll.  I want this constant nagging stress to end.

    1. Do I honestly play with and enjoy all of my dolls? 

      1. No, honestly no.  I have 12 dolls and play with only a few.  Evan has unfortunately been Evie's sidekick, Charlotte is a family heirloom and I worry about playing with her, Kameko is her baby, so I don't play with her, Lizzy is a fun character, but not a companion and as much as I like Aloe Vera, her heavy head and reed thin body means excessive work in posing.  Just getting her to sit takes time.  Standing is a long involved process of balance. So I set her aside a lot out of frustration.  Yes, I do enjoy them, but the enjoyment gets tarnished with the long separations.

    2. Why would I keep dolls that I do not play with? 

      1.  This is what I want to know about myself.  If I had a home that I lived in full time, I would be in a completely different frame of mind about this.  To enjoy looking at certain dolls is a passion of mine.  I can spend hours staring at doll photo's!  I can never get enough.  But to have them sit in a drawer or (now) a closet, just seems like cruel punishment.  Why?  For a selfish enjoyment on my part?  It would be one thing if I could forget about them when I am gone, but I don't.  It stresses me.  I suppose I fear letting someone go and regretting it.  But how can I regret what I don't have?

    3. Is keeping dolls a part of not being able to let go to make room for growth?

        I do have trouble letting go.  My life is changing and moving in a new direction.  I am living a completely different lifestyle.  Hanging onto things because of what they meant when I lived in a home doesn't make much sense now.  Having the apartment is grand, it will give my husband and I a wonderful time to let our hair down for a couple of days away from the truck...but we have to leave it over and over again.  I can't really predict how life will be someday when we have a home again, but I can predict that for a long time yet, life is trucking and very confined.
      • What hinders or keeps me away from what I really want? 
       Money and space.  No, perhaps money doesn't really hinder me, that is something that can always be saved or things sold to obtain it.  It is space.  I haven't the room to have it all.  I am also such a 'fraidy cat when it comes to reaching for what I want, I am always fearing my hand getting slapped.
    4. What is a Companion Doll to me?

        A companion doll is one that is one that shares my life with me.  It is one that makes my heart sing when I see them.  It;s the one that brings me comfort when I am feeling down.  It is the one I never tire of playing with.

    5. If I could have the doll and/or dolly world I really wanted right now, who/what would it be? (do not consider expense or ability or availability….this is a just thinking out loud).  Dream it! 

      1. A long time ago, I saw a photo of a little scrawny girl with the saddest eyes, sitting on the floor in her underwear, in the shadows.  My heart cried out for her.  Dollstown Seola, hands down would win my vote as the one doll I wish I could have.  For years, the ordering process intimidated me, so I never ventured there.  Of course I never had that kind of funds either.  So she remains my fantasy dream doll.  I have wanted many other kinds of dolls, but she was always the elusive one, the one I wished for.  Sigh.

    6. Explore the possibility of starting completely over in the whole process….would you, could you do it? 

      1.  I have considered this so many times.  When I think of reducing the number of companions, then I struggle with who could be the one to make the cut, I stress over it.  Sometimes, in frustrated moments, I think it would be better that I just let them all go and start over with just one.....just one companion.  I have regretted a thousand times that I ever bought another doll after Evie....she was my one and I ruined that.  I kept thinking if I had a doll I loved so much, another one would be more love.  But it never happened that way.  Of course, the reality is, that had I not experienced all the dolls after Evie...I would never have know what I had to begin with!  Anyways, if all things were possible, I think of Seola as the potential candidate of a one and only should I ever start from scratch.  I don't know if I could risk letting everyone go and then find she is silent. 

    7.  Would companionship relationships developed over time be affected?

      1.  Yes, there is no doubt about it.  If I started from scratch, I could lose my Evie forever (if there is any hope of her coming back).  And there is no guarantee that the dreamed about doll would come alive in my heart. If I have learned one thing about doll companionship, you cannot make it happen.  It is as elusive and precious as human relationships....the chemistry is either there or it is not.  However, much of my frustration is due to the fractured relationship with Evie.  I will never get it back if she remains on the side lines for years to come.  I wonder sometimes if I have lost her already.  

    8. Are all of my dolls “companion dolls” or are there ones that draw me to them time and time again? 

    9.           Evie always draws me in when I think of her and what she once was to me.  So does Audrey.  They are the most alive for me.  I talk to them.  Olwen is gaining ground here too.  I feel closer to Olwen than the others.  Evan draws a blank, Charlotte is silent, Lizzy is not altogether there, Aloe Vera is smug, the other children are cute and playful, and Miette is sweet.  But to feel drawn to a companion doll, is one of the hardest things to explain.

    10. Compare how I see my doll situation now with 5 years from now. Any changes I want to make?

      1. My doll situation now is tenuous and hanging by a thread of disconnect.  I want and need a companion that can be with me constantly.  As we do have a definite plan of action in 4-5 years, it only makes sense to be ready for it.   As my husband and I go over the plan from this angle and that angle, we see the needs and the things we need to let go of to make it happen.  We gave up our home in order to keep from falling into debt, and now we are firmly building up our future and it is blossoming.  We are getting closer.  However, it means staying free and easy...ready to go with little baggage. 

    11. A fire started in the building, grab only what dolls you can carry in your arms....who would it be?

      1. I think about this all the time, not because I fear fires (lol) but because it seems that I need to find the essential.  I would grab Evie and the children.  Of course this doesn't mean I would not try to grab them all if there were a real fire....but in theory, the reason to pose this question is to force myself to think of who I am bonded to, rather than just who I like.
        Getting these thoughts down, spreading them out to see is helping me.  It looks like we will soon be on home time, I have lots to do.  I am hoping the answer will come.

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