Friday, April 2, 2010

Drifting in a Sea of Thoughts

I can't believe the sense of relief I am feeling after making the decision to sell.  It's still an unnerving road to take, but I am not feeling any sense of taking a wrong turn.  It feels like I am heading in the right direction, even if I am not sure of the end result.

My thoughts turn to who is left.  I think about what they mean to me, how things have changed. Evie and Audrey come to mind all the time.  One is a child, one is an adult.  One is so large, one is so small.  Sometimes, I close my eyes and wonder what it would be like to combine them.  To me, who and what they are individually would make the perfect combined companion for me. Yet, it seems together (individually) they don't blend.  They are too different.  Weird, I know.  Hard to explain.

I love Audrey's childishness.  I love how she curls up, looks fresh and full of wonder, how she has the cute factor I cannot resist (without ever being cloying).  She is the fun one to play with, brings out a nurturing in me, brings me the simple joy of seeing the world through her eyes, allowing me to be a child again too.  But Audrey is too young to talk to, makes me feel sometimes like a mother or caregiver.  I cannot communicate with her in the way I can with Evie.

I love Evie.  I love that she came into my life and brought back my inner creativity, my secret world that I share with so few.  Through and with Evie, I stopped being a robot and started being me again.  It's strange though, that she came when she did.  I was certainly at a point in my life that my accounting career had nearly fried every creative cell I had left in my body.  I was dying a slow death by numbers.   Naturally I was overflowing with idea's when I finally had a comrade to explore them with, so it was strange that she rejected most of them.  It was almost like she was defiant and resistant.  I wanted to play castles and dragons, she wanted to sit quietly and read books.  I want to create over the top costumes and ball gowns, she wanted to wear jeans.  She hated the OTHERS I brought into our world.  She turned her nose up at them and made me feel guilty.  When I brought home a "brother" for her, she latched onto him and stopped communicating with me.  Still.....I loved her.  Every petulant bone in her body.  But Evie has withdrawn somewhat and we can't quite connect as we use to.

So my thoughts linger over them and how I can have what I love about them with me at all times.  Yet, at the same time, I don't want several personalities around me.  I want just one companion FULL of personality.   I want Evie and Audrey with a sprinkle of all the rest of my dolls all rolled into one.  One companion.  I am sure of that.

Every day, I look at dolls.  All across the internet, in books.  I have collected hundreds if not thousands of doll photo's.  I search, I dream, I wonder.  Over the last year or two, my ability to fall in love with other dolls has dwindled.  I enjoy them, but don't feel the familiar pull.  I have gone through a lot of trial and error with the ones I have selected to come home.  Sort of like I got the idea I had at the time drain out of my system too quickly.  I just couldn't pick up a pretty doll and put her on the shelf and be content.  My thought was always to find a companion.  I dare say I secretly wished that one companion would out shine them all and there would be no question as to whom it was.  For a long time I thought it was Evie.  Then Audrey came along.  So very different from each other.  How perplexing!

At this moment and it is a wavering, shimmering intangible moment, I think the direction will be to do one of three things.  Chose Evie or Audrey or let go and bring the dream child in.

Dollstown Seola 7 is right inbetween Evie and Audrey in just about every way.  She is older than Audrey, younger than Evie.  She has the petulance of Evie, the childishness of Audrey.  She is MSD size, but unlike most MSD's, she is not representing an adult or teen.  So she is like having a child in a larger, but smaller scale.  She is supposed to be 7 years old.  Her 8/9 wig size is the same as Evie, while most MSD's heads are 7/8.  She has 16/18 mm eyes, same as Evie.  It would be like having a reduced size Evie and an increased size Audrey.

More thoughts over the next few days....

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