Thursday, April 15, 2010

So Very Strange.....

I have poured over potential names for Seola.  I watch the Seola slideshow I made for hours.  I see her in so many hair and eye and faceup combinations, that I smile, wondering how my girl will finally appear.  I try out the names on her as different looks float by, but none seem right.  Very old fashioned names seem to suit her in a Victorian way when she is wearing long hair.  I could see her as a Abby or Agnes or any of the fine Elizabeth's, Isabelle's and Prudence.  When I see her in the short hair, I see a tomboy....a Bobbie, Jamie, Billie or even Thomasina.

I can hardly wait for that defining moment, when she looks back at me and I know.  There are two looks that I adore her in.  The one she is in a red bob and the one in a brown shorty pixie cut.  I realized that the last few photo's I have taken of Evie were in those very same wigs.  I look at Seola and I cannot help but think how she looks like Evie might have as a child.  Then I shake my head to clear that ghost, because it wasn't too long ago I though that perhaps Olwen came back to me as my childhood doll, my Susan in an older form.  But it wasn't her.  As much as I would be delighted if it had been, I could see that it was just a desire on my part.  Susan wasn't in Olwen. Olwen was herself.  Be careful, I warn myself.  Don't get ahead of yourself on this.  But.....

Here I combined some comparison photos I put together:

Is it my imagination?  I am not talking about an exact resemblance, but an essence...I see one in the other. 

I asked husband to tell me a pretty girl name, and after flattering me with saying my name, he came up with Susan!  Gads, that gave me the chills!  Who is this haunting child I gaze at, whom I have come back to time and time again and wondered about her?  Is she my long lost Susan?  My Evie?  Someone completely new?  Someone old?  A ghost? A real child?  Just a doll?  No name I whisper when looking at her fits.  Will she be soft and feminine?  A tomboy?  I keep going back to the brown short hair, the red bob....she looks like Evie.  I am so mesmerized by her.  It drives me crazy!  And every time I look at her, I see something I cannot put my finger on....I see a glimpse of a sparkle, a knowing sparkle, like we have known each other a long time already.  I smile, thinking that I am letting my imagination drift into fantasy, but I feel almost embarrassed to admit that it keeps getting stronger by the moment.  I know her somehow.  Is it some kid I knew as a child?  Is she reminding me of someone? 

And I can't help but wonder.....why did Evie grow so distant?  Why did I start yearning for a smaller version of her?  Am I molding this in my imagination, or is it happening?  I probably have way too much time on my hands to be thinking this way.  Why was I playing with wigs on Evie when we have barely looked at each other in such a long time?  For the past couple of years, Evie has been growing fainter.  She pulled away from me with Evan and with a touch of anger.  The resistance in her has been like a thorn in my foot.  Yet, since I have adopted Seola, I have not had one single moment of missing Evie.  Usually I am feeling heartsick for her once we have gone back on the road.  Is there some sort of transformation going on?  Are all my hopes and dreams about a one and only consolidating somehow?

Another thing...I keep trying to remember who I saw first....Seola or Evie.  I swear it was Seola.  I wasn't very familiar with asian bjd's when I saw first saw her.  So if that is true, then it is Evie that reminds me of Seola!  Strange.  Very strange.  I am extremely curious to how it is going to go when they meet face to face. 

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